Anger.
I’m plenty angry right now. I’m finishing up my dissertation, and I’m finding he supervision process really very difficult. Its odd, because I’m actually OK with having my work edited – I know its something that has radically improved my work in the past. This is different though somehow – I feel like its criticism of my intellectual worth. Admittedly, this is my first experience of it, and perhaps it gets better.
That, however, is only the outward reason for anger. Its my reaction to what’s happening, and its not particularly constructive. Last night, I think I had a bit of a breakthrough. I got home after a night shift and having to do what I considered silly make work for the project and pretend to like it, and I was absolutely hitting the steering wheel furious. Then I recalled a study recently that said it was much better to try and relax than act out – so I did. 20 minutes of meditation later, and I felt like I knew what was going on, and I was actually honestly pleased I had done the assignment I had been given. It had given me some clarity on the process. My supervisor wasn’t a monster after all.
When I went to bed, instead of fretting and fuming, I had an image of him as the rabbit in Alice, constantly hysterical about deadlines…Â It made me laugh.
The actual work is not in great shape: its about a week off a first draft, and its due in three. I’m actually OK about that, as I know I can get something in that will (presumably) pass. The Rabbit is unsure if it has any chance of passing, but then he shows no sign of actually having read what I’ve written, or having ever supervised anyone before, so I’m taking his hystrionics with a grain of salt. And 20 minutes of mindful breath exercises wehn it all comes a bit overwhelming.